Sometimes I write: 2012

Looking on the Internet archives, I was able to find a short story I wrote when I was 15. I haven't seen it in years, nor have I proofread.
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                             DOODLE SPACE



































       THE ADVENTURES OF ME AND ZEKE:THE STORY OF A COUPLE O' HICKS


                               By Ben Magno
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   Foreword by Me:

     Hey reader! You may or may not have just purchased a copy of  The
  Adventures of Me and Zeke: Their Greatest Hits . I'm not really sure
  how to feel towards you, but let me say flat out, if you wanted a
  piece of quality literature that would soon be a classic and bring
  about a new world order where all would love thy fellow person, then
  I'm sorry. But if you're looking for a few cheap laughs and a fairly
  original style of humor, then hey! You got it, Bub.
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      Chapter 1:The beginning(Duh!What else would it be,the middle?)


     One day me and Zeke were touring the more than famous,the more than
important,the more than I could handle without throwing up,the pizza Hut
Museum.We were about to call it quits at the statue of curdled milk at the
"how we get our cheese" exhibit,when we noticed something rather amusing.It
was a small space alien,about 10' 4" (that's small for an alien),trying
pathetically to get his Fischer-Price planet destroyer(tm) out of his pants
pocket.With the pants of his designed for someone a hell of a lot taller
than him,he looked like M.C. Hammer doing something rather obscene with
himself.
     We both walked up to him.
     "Need some help?"we offered.After all,we knew he was going to destroy
the world and send us all to our horrible,agonizing demise,but we kinda
felt sorry for the poor clod.
     "Why would you guys want to help me?",he asked finally,"I want to make
the people of the Earth suffer senselessly and fry on the streets,sizzling
like a silly little piece of hamburger meat on a range,",he was starting to
yell,"and play in their bloody entrails like a maggot on a corpse..."
     We slapped him up side the head.
     "Thanks,I needed that.Sorry about that,but I just get carried away
sometimes."
     We helped him get his planet-destroyer out of his pocket.
     "Thanks,guys.Sorry,but I'm gonna have to send the people of the world
to their agonizing,bloody deaths now."He said.
     "Oh,well,whatever."I said.Zeke was kind enough to inform me in a calm
and rational voice that "the people of the world" included me,too,and that
I was about to become toast.
     "Whatchoo talkin' `bout" I said in my best Gary Coleman voice.
     "You just helped seal the fate of the planet."Zeke said.
     "Damn.I hate when that happens."
     "Yeah,me too.Well,see you in the afterlife,and,as they say i-n Chinese
Resturaunts,`what the hell do you mean,what about the tip?the food was
lousy!'"
     "Same goes for me."
     Just when it seemed all hope was lost for the entire planet,something
happened.By a remearkable stroke of luck,a shower of moose fell from out of
the clear blue sky onto the alien,knocking the planet destroyer out of his
hand.I grabbed it.
     "Ha HA!", I said to the alien,"Not so tough now,are we?".He lunged for
me.I seemed to have forgot that he was 10' 4",so therefore,he  was  tough
without his planet destroyer.
     When I woke up in the hospital,Zeke was by my side,because it just
wouldn't be a story called  The Adventures of me and Zeke  without him.
     "What happened?" I asked.
     "You got the shit beat out of you." Zeke imformed me.
     "Oh." I said,and passed out again.
     By another remarkable coincidence,scientists found a cure for all
injuries known to man earlier that day,so I was allowed to leave before
lunch.On the way home,I spotted something rather unusual happening across
the street.A woman was being mugged by another alien.
     "Woman,I know you have the activator switch to my spacecraft." The
alien told her.
     "And what makes you think that?" Said the woman.
     "I have the keenest senses of all martians,the sharpest of all
perception,and besides,You told me so."
     "Heh,heh"She laughed,and ran like the devil.
     Me and Zeke trailed her.We finally caught up with her.
     "You want to explain what exactly you're doing,stealing other
people,uh,er,alien's things?"
     "He was going to pilot his spaceship back to his planet of origin,and
call a martian space fleet to Earth to take it over."She told me.
     "Oh yeah,that's what all thieves say" We said,and gave the key back to
the alien.
     "Oh goody.Now I can take over the planet,I can take over the
planet..." the alien sang.
     "Damn.That's the second time today I've sealed the fate of the world."
     Will the entire planet be destroyed?Will I be killed in an
interplanetary battle?Of course not! I'm the star of the book.just find
out how I get out of it in the next exciting chapter.


Chapter II:The chapter after the beginning


     Well,here's the story so far.
     Me and zeke were in the Pizza Hut Museum when we found a 10' 4" alien
wearing M.C. Hammer pants,and we helped seal the fate of the world by
helping him get his Fischer-Price Planet Destroyer(tm) out of his very
large pocket,and if it weren't for the shower of live moose that fell on
him from the clear blue sky,we woulnd't have been able to stop him.Then he
beat me up.
     When I got out of the hospital,I helped yet another alien out by
giving him the keys to his spaceship.All in all,it's been a rough day.

     Okay,after I finally figured out what a stupid thing I had done,I
asked Zeke for some help.
     "You're beyond help."He informed me.
     "Shut up,wise-ass.I'm talking about stopping the alien from going off
and getting his little alien buddies and taking over the world."
     "I knew that.I was just testing you."
     We decided to work on a plan.We put our heads together,made a spark
which started a small forest fire,and thought of something.One of us would
go onto the spaceship,find any secret plans,learn them or sabotage them,and
then destroy the central comuter terminal,and the other would cower behind
a rock in fear.
     I found a nice,big rock to hide behind and Zeke went in.He found the
ever so famous book:"So You Want to Pillage A Small Insignifacant Planet
and Senselessly Murder Thousands - How to Do it and Have Fun" by Ian
Sanity. Zeke flipped through the pages and came the the chapter with the
little Care Bears bookmark,so he figured that's where the alien must have
been.He inserted a few pages he typed himself(not bad for an
illiterate),and went to find the central computer area.Oh,yeah,if you were
to read the book until you get to the chapter where Zeke put the pages,it
would go something like this:
     "After you have scouted the insignifacant planet,fly your spaceship
to the... movie theatre so you can catch the opening night of "Terminator
3:The verdict..." and so on.
     He went to find the central computing area.After asking the alien in
the cafeteria for some space apple pie,he finally found it.
     "MMmmmm.Just like mom used to make"He said as he ate his space apple
pie.
     He noticed the computer wasn't too complex,it only had 3 buttons.One
was marked "On",the next one was marked "Off",and the last one was marked
"The button for people named Zeke to push on the off chance they had a
tiny,insignificant world to save.".But,since Zeke couldn't read,he had to
push a random button.Since Zeke didn't know what the word "random" meant,he
pushed them in the order they were placed on the control panel.
     He pushed the "On" button.He played "Super Mario Bros." for a while,and
then pushed the "off" button.Then he pushed the "button for people named
Zeke to push on the off chance they had a tiny,insignificant world to
save" button.
     A loud voice came over the intercom."Attention K-mart shoppers.
The self-destruct mechanism has been activated.All persons within a 1 mile
radius have exactly 20 minutes to evacuate the area."
     For the first time,Zeke noticed several Mexican people hurrying with
their weed-eaters and cases of Mountain Dew to the only open register.Zeke
was smart,Or at least not totally ignorant.He got the hell out of the
spaceship,grabbed me from behind the rock,and we hurried off.
     After about 15 minutes,we were a mile away,in the heart of the city.
That was a pretty big mile,considering the spaceship was in the middle of a
large forest.We waited,and saw the big alien heading in the direction of
the forest.
     "Where do you think you're going?"We asked him in two very menacing
voices.
     "I'm going to my spaceship."
     Thank heavens the stupid Kumquat didn't realize that the self-destruct
device was going to blow his ship up in 5 minutes.He hurried torward the
large forest.
     Me and Zeke went kept watch of the forest for the next 5 minutes.
after a while,the spaceship had taken off and was rapidly headed torward
outer space.All of a sudden,we heard a loud KA-BOOM,and one final voice.
     "Thank you for shopping at K-mart."
      Suddenly,we noticed the spaceship was headed torward the Earth,in our
direction!
         Author's note:Before I go on anymore,I should explain something about
the alien's anatomy.It is exactly like a human's,only a lot taller. 
     Since me and Zeke were too damn stupid to think to get the hell out of
the way,we covered our eyes with our hands and cowered in fear.
     Lucky for us,the spaceship did not hit us,but crashed 100 feet from
where we were standing.The alien got out,and looked at us with intense
anger in his eyes,and spoke,which must have been hard,because of the
strange accident which somehow amputated his torso,but left the rest of him
unscathed.
     "Now that hurt my feelings."He said,and died.
     Well,with that alien murdered senselessly,me and Zeke
decided we would do something else for fun and relaxation.Paintball. Since
me and Zeke were stupid,the idea of running around a forest shooting people
with balls of paint that feel like small rocks sounded like a good idea. Of
course,it was only stupid for us because we used no protective gear,and
nothing to fire the paintballs with.We found them on the ground and threw
them at people.We lost a lot like that.
     I know you're not going to beleive this,but we found yet  another    alien
spaceship lying about in the middle of the forest.
     "Zeke,do you know what this means"I asked.
     "That aliens are going to take over the planet and make us all their
helpless slaves?"
     "No,idiot.We can hide behind it to avoid paintball fire.But,now that
you mention it,it sounds like it just might happen."
     We decided to go aboard the spaceship and see if we could find out the
secrets to their culture and prevent the world from being their plaything.
     Too bad we were too stupid to understand any of it.
     Inside the spaceship was enormous.The first room we were in was
almost totally featureless,except for the door we came in and a video
monitor mouted in one corner on the room.We decided to watch it so we could
see if an alien was returning.
     I explored the rest of the spaceship.It wasn't much to look at,except
for the room with enough gold in it to make Fort Knox pale in comparison.
That was the only room I found remotely interesting.Until I foun/d the
really neat room.The Lego room!I played in there for an hour,and went back
to find Zeke.
     He was still watching the video monitor,and eating some microwave
popcorn he had found in the cupboard.
     "So,Zeke,see anything interesting?"
     "No,you?"
     "Well,Most of the rooms were bare,except for the room with about a
trillion tons of gold."
     "Oh,so nothing of any importance."
     "Oh,yeah,I found a gigantic room filled with Lego's!"
     "Really?!?!I gotta see that."
     "Okay,Zeke.It's just down that long hallway down there,and it's the
twenty-fifth door on the right."
     Zeke went off to play with the Lego's,and I sat down and started to
watch the monitor.For two hours nothing interesting happened.Then I turned
it on.Then something happened.
     "Zeke,quick,come here!"
     He rushed out of the hallway,still holding a Lego kumquat.
     "Yeah,what?"
     I showed him the monitor.It showed a rather short alien getting out of
an egg-like object,and it started coming straight torward the camera. We
shuddered in fear intil we figured out it was just the beginning of  Mork
and Mindy .Then we changed the channel.An adult movie came on.
     "The lucky shithead!",We both exclaimed,"he's got cable!"
     So after we watched that we watched some really bad Laverne & Shirley
re-runs.Then the Really tall alien who owned it came in.
     "YOU!",he said,meaning us,"DIE!!!!!!!!!!"
     "Sorry,",I said,"I don't DO tricks!"
     "Well,geez,you guys,can't a vastly superior alien being sound manacing
without you idgits jumping down my throat?"
     "Nope.Only happens in movies.And with people with an I.Q. of at least
10.But YOU didn't count on having us as dinner guests,DID YOU?"
     "I don't care.Die anyways!"
     "Why do you want to kill us?"
     "You ate my popcorn and messed up my Lego's."
     "Oh,ca-ca.He's right."
     He pulled out his Fischer-Price me and Zeke destroyer(tm),and fired it
at us.
AUTHOR's NOTES:Before I go on,I want to make you readers suffer and have to
wait to find out the outcome.So there!And I'm going to write this slow
so you can't get to the part where you find out what the heck
happened.Sorry if my toning down of my language offended you.I am still
taking up your time with meaningless drivel HA Ha HA!Ha ha.ha ha ha ha ha
ha Ha HA hA Ha Heh heh HEH hEh HeH.Well,that was fun.
                    THE END



          Just kidding.
     Well the me and Zeke destroyer(tm) didn't destroy us.To explain why,we
must travel back in time to the day I was born.Or hatched,if the schoolkids
were to be believed.
     I was born,and so was Zeke.So far,this is interesting,isn't it.
     AUTHOR'S NOTE:Lah lah lahh lah bing bang...But that's about all you
get out of these things anyways,isn't it?
     Okay,we now resume with the story(no,really,I mean it!)
     The doctor was there,when we were born.I know,what a concept and all,
but this was the way it happened.
     Okay,the doctor  had just barely  passed out from  shock,when an alien
spaceship came down and kidnapped us.
     We were  on the spaceship going  to planet Who-The-Hell-Cares(that was
actually the name of it),when we were just barely beginning to have senses.
     We decided "what  the hey,we can take these guys!"  because we were in
our 20's and ruggedly built.so,we snatched the controls and steered back to
Earth,or any other  planet that wouldn't be too offended  to have us living
there.Yes,Me  and Zeke  are both  lucky scumbags.By  an incredible freak of
nature  or  something,the  people  of  Earth  weren't  too  offended by our
presences  that they  shot us.No,no,nooo.They  only tied  us up to gigantic
rocks and  threw us in  the river.But,what would  it do?Cut off  air to our
BRAINS??Think about it!So,after the ropes  rotted away,we floated up to the
surface.
     But,we came up in the 60's,so  no one ever really payed much attention
to us ,so we just tried to have lives.We failed miserably.Oh,well.
     Okay,so now  I've sidetracked you so  you don't really know  what this
section  of  the  story  is  supposed  to  be  about.It's  about  what  the
Fischer-Price Me and Zeke destroyer(tm) didn't kill us.
     You really  shouldn't expect too much  out of Fischer-Price.Especially
on a different planet.
     Okay,The  really  tall  alien  was  fidgeting  around  with his stupid
toy,when,all of a sudden,there came a knock at the door.It was the milkman.
     "Here's your milk",he said,because that's what milkPEOPLE say.
     "Thanks."said the really big alien,and tipped the milkman.
     The alien flew off while Me and Zeke were picking the milkman back up.
     That was the last we ever saw of him.
     Until...The next day...

CHAPTER III:The next day(Wow.)
     We hadn't seen  or heard any menacing alien sounds  for 12 whole hours
now,but we couldn't count that high.We just figured it was a long time.
     "It's been a  long time since the alien left."  I said,in a rare flash
of insightfulness.
     "Yup."Said Zeke,because that's what he says whenever I'm right.
     We were watching Mork & Mindy,when we heard a roar outside.
     "Quick!" I said,jumping to attention.
     "What?",asked Zeke.
     "You know,quick,what we're not."
     "Oh."
     We took  a look out  the window,and we  saw that the  really big alein
ship was returning."Geez",I thought,"Dosen't he ever take a break?"
     We ran to  get the laser pistols,realized we  didn't have any,and went
to get our guns instead.We ran outside,guns blaring(dramatic,isn't it?)
     After firing at  the alien for a few minutes,we  decided we should use
our last bullet for when we could actually see the alien,since the ship was
bulletproof.
     After an  hour of intense waiting,we  saw the door open,and  we saw an
alien   standing   in   the   bright   white   light.This   seemed   a  lot
different,because usually the alien wasn't so dramatic.
     We shot anyways.
     "ACK!" we head,and  then a thud.We ran over  the alien's dead body,and
came to a startling revelation.
     "You shot E.T.!"Zeke told me.
     "Oops.I made a faux pas."
     Well,Now you know why they never made a sequel.
     The movie guys wanted to sue us for a heap of dough,but they just sent
us a  bill for $20.00 for  the costume,and a letter  of thatnks because the
guy in the suit was a real butthead anyways.
     They also sent us tickets to go  see the filming of a different movie,
 Attack of the Killer Fuzzy Dice from  Plaet Zurg .We walked over to the set,
which was only a few blocks from where we lived.
     "Glad to see you guys could make it."The head movie guy said.
     "How do you know,have you been watching us?"
     "What?"
     "Well,you said  we could make  it...Um,never mind.How did  you know it
was us anyways?"
     "You are the only people I've ever seen who look stupid enough to do a
thing like shoot E.T."
     "Oh,whew!"
     We  got  a  grand  tour  of  the  movie  set.It was fabulous.There was
cardboard,painted scenery,and  really comfy directors  seats we got  to sit
in.
     "Hey,",said a movie guy,"You people want a part in the movie?"
     "Okay."I said,but Zeke was camerea-shy,he told me.
     I got to  put on a neat hat  and leather vest and swing  from vines. I
think my character's name was IndyBannana Jones.
     "Okay,now we bring in the killer fuzzy dice!" a guy said.
     They were  huge.They were...There's no need  explaining,they were just
big,fuzzy dice with 40-foot fangs.
     "Action!"I heard.My part wasn't for a while,so I decided to watch.
     "Oh,gee,what a  very nice day  this is.And this  is certainly not  the
kind of day  in which I would expect  100-foot tall fuzzy dice to  come and
ravage the city."the actress said.
     And,much to my surprise,100-foot tall  fuzzy dice came out of nowhere.
And,to my further astonishment,the began to ravage the cardboard city.
     "You wanna play craps?"One of the  fuzzy dice said to another one.They
all agreed.
     They rolled over the city,and all you could hear was a bunch of people
yelling "Oh,crap!".
     Now it was the part in which the hero person came in.ME!
     "Halt,killer  fuzzy dice  from planet   Zurg!"I said  in a  really neat
menacing person-type  voice.then I mumbled"Coming  soon on videocassete  at
stores evereywhere."
     "Okay!" they all said,and flew away in their spaceship.
     Okay,now THIS is where the really tall alien comes in.He flew his ship
into a killer fuzzy die,and his ship blew up.


Chapter IV:A chapter that might actually make sense in some foreign countries
where things like this are understood.
     Well,people,that was one of the most eventful days in my life Until the day
my story actually takes place in.

     The morning was clear and bright.The dew on the grass was evaporating in
the fresh sunlight,and all around there were noises of joy.
     "Knock it off already!"I yelled at the people in the next apartment through
the wall.
     I decided I might as well go for a walk since I probabbly wouldn't get back
to sleep.
     While walking,I thought about the events of that day last September.I
thought of how we were almost destroyed,how we narrowly averted total
destruction,and how it inspired Zeke to learn to read.Unfortunately,I had
to admit him to the Betty Ford clinic,because He was hooked on phonics,and
also he liked the cars she built.
     All around town,people were happy and productive.They were going about
business as usual,except for the new Intergalactic K-mart they repaired and
were openeing.
     Flying saucer skeptics were telling people that since,flying saucers
don't exist,the events of the day last September never happened,and thus
September also never really existed.
     Then,almost as if destiny were poking its head through the clouds and
looking at these people and saying"neener neener silly weener",A spaceship
came down from the sky and landed on them.[but don't worry.When this story
becomes a movie,I'll make sure it's a cartoon.]
     Oh,hey,you guys want the meaning of life?Okay,then stop looking
through this book in the bookstore and BUY THE DAMN THING!!!
     Life(Lif')-n.1.The animate existence of a individual.2.n.A product
that,unless they're wierd,your kids will eat it.
     Wasn't that a good one?Okay,then,never mind.
     On with the story.As I was laughing at the crushed people,They were
telling me how that didn't happen.It got really scary torwards the point
where I started to believe them.
     I was then walking along,happy in the knowledge that there was not a
large,green,slimy alien coming out of the spaceship.That was because,of
course,that the spaceship wasn't even there in the first place.
     "Trah lah lahh la bing bang..." I was humming,admiring poeple who
kinda looked like they were being taken hasage by hostile slime aliens who
wanted them for breakfast cereal topping(oat bran is just too plain),but in
actuality,they were flying.Wow.If those people hadn't shown up and showed
me the right way,I'd even think a large alien was coming after me...Hey!
Wait a sec!...Gack!

     Chapter one more after that because I forgot what chapter it was: The
return of Zeke.

     Well,I was locked up in a cage mystically by people wearing alien
costumes(because aliens don't exist(but I was wondering at this point)),so
I couldn't very well write this story now,could I?But,by a remarkable
coincidence(don't you just love these?),Zeke had shown up in town the very
second I didn't get kidnapped by rude slimy aliens,and he started writing
down things that happened,just in case I was kidnapped by large slimy
aliens.Fortunately,I wasn't.I think.Oh well,I'll just go on from Zeke's
notes.
     The day was hot and muggy,Zeke had just come back from the Betty Ford
clinic,and he noticed spaceships coming in torwards the heart of the city.
     "Shit." Zeke thought,"Every time I'm away they go and
party,party,party.Either that or things are starting to stray from the
normal.Or,We're being invaded!"
     He agreed on the third one,and he pranced into town on his horse.But
he didn't realize he didn't have one,and that made him look rather silly.
     "Clump,clumpity-clump!"Zeke said,trying to sound as real as possible.
The "Not yet caught menace to our maniacal plans" alarm went off in one of
the spaceships.A huge thunderous boom came out of the top of one of the
spaceships,and a large,gun-type thingy came out of the opening that just
opened up.
     "Attention,all Aiuflarg ships!Ready your gun-type thingies",A
loudspeaker commanded,"And fire at Will!"
     A voice came on the loudspeaker of another ship."Zeke,sir".
     "Sorry,Fire at Zeke!"
     A huge gun-type thingy fired a laser beam at Zeke.He managed to dodge
away,and the expression on his face changed from fear to anger.
     "You bastards, You vaporized my horsey!" He yelled."Oh well,never
could find the damn thing when I needed it."
     He thought quickly,and about an hour later,when the thought registered
with him,he decided to hitch a ride on the alien spaceship and go to it's
home planet and destroy the menace once and for all.
     The ride was very fun.He hung onto one of the legs the spaceship used
to land on,and when it retracted back into the ship,he was inside.
     The inside was blank and desolate.Then he turned a light on.It was
huge!Lights glittering on the many computer panels,and little alien blob
kids playing "Super Mario Brothers" on them.Zeke tripped over a wire lying
on the floor,which tied up the kids joysticks into the ships control
curcuits.So he's clumsy,but no one's perfect.
     the ship weebled and wobbled(but it didn't fall down) through the
endless nothingness of space.Well,It actually wasn't nothingness,as they
just crashed into an intergalactic 7-11,I just wanted to sound dramatic.
     Zeke unwrapped the wire from around his foot and kept going inside the
spaceship.He looked around.Nothing interesting.Except,oh for joy,for
joy!Could it be?Yes!It could!and it Was!He went in.
     Authors note:Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Mumble mumble.
     He found another Lego room!
     He went in and started playing with the legos.Unfortunately,he didn't
notice the two large guards standing outside.
     "Halt!",They said,because that's pretty much all they're good
for,"Don't go in there!"
     "How come?"said Zeke,trying to hold back the tears.
     "You didn't say please!"
     "Please?"
     "Oh,all right.But I'm not gonna be so nice with you next time!Next
time it'll be an even STERNER talking to!"
     "Okay!" said Zeke,trembling in fear of the alien's threat.
     He nervously played with the legos for a while,and then the spaceship
started up again.A voice came over the intercom.
     "Attention K-Mart shoppers!Specials of 50-70% off can be found in
aisles 3 through 5.Oh yeah!There is a human on board who is our arch enemy.
Capture him and bring him to us for interrogaion.And thanks for shopping at
K-Mart."
     Zeke decided to make a hasty retreat.But he didn't know what that
meant,so he ran like hell.
     He got out into the hallway,and ran to the light at the end of it.
Then he realized he wasn't running torwards the end of the hallway,but that
one of the guards had just hit him rather nastily over the head,and he was
unconcious,and heading for the big time-life books light that they talk
about so much.
     Chapter One more after that(pretty soon I'm gonna have to read back to
find out which chapter this is.):The search for Zeke

     Since Zeke was now out cald,I have to write this from what I know. Or
what happened,or something.I'm getting confused.
     Okay,I was in cell 3A sharing a bunk with a guy who liked to do
impersonations of famous people who sounded like Rich Little while wearing
underwear that was full of mildewed rutabegas on his head and clog dancing the
rhumba.Actually,I think this is a little more interesting that what Zeke
had to say.
     A guard came in.
     "I just wanted to let you know,we caught your friend."
     "Who?"I asked.
     "The other threat to our well-beings."
     "Well,how did you know he was your enemy?"
     "Well,when he used the lego room,I had to remind him to say please,and
He didn't even think of saying `thank you' when he left!"
     "You're kidding!You have a lego room,too?"
     And with my sudden surge of inspiration and the chemicals from the
Twinkies a had last week,I bent the 3-foot titanium bars apart with my bare
hands and rushed off to look for the lego room.
     By this time,Zeke was conscious again,and tied to a giant apple.
     "Why did you tie me to an apple?" He asked the interrogators.They were
large reptilian beings about 10 feet tall,with long mouths with many teeth.
     "Well,I told you before." The largest said.
     "Yes,I know,but it's for the readers information."
     "You mean,we're being read right now."
     "Yup."Zeke told him.
     "Okay,Mr. Big shot Author!You kill me off,and I'll kill this low-life
bum!"
     Then,I got really mean and made him blow up,which remarkably left Zeke
unscathed,yet incenerated his ropes,allowing him to go free.
     He made a break for the door,then the second largest of the
interrogators grabbed him by the shoulders and was about to tear him in
two,when another interrogator grabbed that one,and killed him.
     "Thanks",Said Zeke,"You saved my life."
     "Well",Said his benefactor,"I'm not one of them.I'm a crocodile,not an
interrogator.Couldn't you tell by the nose?"
     "Actually,no."
     "Okay,never mind then.Run along on your merry way."
     I was playing in the lego room when Zeke came in and found me.
     "Oh,good.I found you."Said Zeke,`cause that's what he says whenever he
finds me."I thought I read too far.But,nope,this is just before they opened
the airlocks on us."
     "What are you talking about?"I asked him.
     "I bought a copy of   The Adventures of Me and Zeke:The story of a
couple O' Hicks by Ben Magno.How else would I know where to come and get
you?"
     "Ask someone."
     "Oh."
     We got out and walked down the hallway and checked another room.As
soom as we were inside,I remembered something Zeke had said.It was
something like:`This is just before they opened the airlocks on us.'
        WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH    


CHAPTER Seven:There!I did it!The right number!Isn't that neat?Oh,yeah.This
is also the chapter in which Something went Whhooossshh!

     I Looked over at Zeke,And hit him in the mouth to stop him from saying
whoosh.
     "Ow."He said,Because that's what he says whenever I hit him.
     But,I'm glad I did some remembering!Because the the sign above the
door WAS marked `airlock'.So,I decided to exit myself from the perilous
locale in which my person was at this point in time.I didn't know what that
meant,so I ran.
     But,Just as I got to the door,it shut on me.Ow.Right in the nose,too!
     "You okay?",Zeke asked me.
     "No,It's ME!Your friend!The `Me' in `Me and Zeke'"
     "Oh,yeah,I forgot!"
     "Did you see what just happened?"
     "No."
     "They just slammed the door on my nose!"
     "Well,that would explain the blood gushing from your face."
     I had to think quick.So I grabbed Zeke's copy of the book I was
writing,but to no avail.Seeing as I'm writing this book,It only goes as far
as I write.But It is neat to see the individual letters appear magically on
the page as I write them.Blah Blah Blah.Hey,that looked neat.
     But,now I have to get back on with the story.I had to think of
something to do to get out of the airlock before we were sucked into the
desolate nothingness outside.
     "Hey!You aliens!"I yelled,hoping they'd hear."Let us out of here."
     "Okay!" A thunderous boom came over the intercom.
     Whhoooshh!
     This time,we actually WERE rapidly ejected into the afore mentioned
desolate nothingness outside.We were also sucked into space.
     "Allow me to make a suggestion."Zeke said,"Why don't we hold our
breaths for a real long time?"
     We agreed to this,thinking:What would it do to us now?Cut off air to
our BRAINS?!THINK ABOUT IT!!!!
     As we were doing this,We watched the large ship we were both in fly
off into the void.
     We floated along,And all of a sudden,Thwack!Something hit us,and we
looked behind us to see Wonder woman in her invisible jet.(don't ask how.)
     "Geez!"Zeke told me,thumbing through his book,"You don't call HER
stupid for having an imaginary jet!"
     She looked stupid.
     "Thanks."
     She offered us a ride,and I decided I was going to have to kill her
off this story because,darn it,It's just too stupid(when has that ever
stopped me?).
     She followed the spaceship for us for a while,and when we arrived at
it's planet of origin,She told us she'd fly in low,and we could jump.
     She flew in,and I guess enemy radar detected her(Even with that
stealth technology of hers),and a missile came out of nowhere and hit the
jet,just as me and Zeke were jumping.
     "You bastards!",she yelled as she fell to her death,"You blew up my
jet!Oh,well.Never could find the damn thing when I needed it...THUD!"
     Me and Zeke landed on the planet's surface,safely on our heads.
     We walked all over the place for any sign of civilization.We found
nothing.Then we looked for someplace where people lived.Nah-dah.
     But,It wasn't totally featureless.Every once in a while,a fish swam
by.
     "So,Do you think this is the right planet?" I asked Zeke.
     "Yup.That's what is says in the book."Zeke told me.
     "How come it works for you and not for me?"
     "You're writing it.I'm just a character."
     "Oh,yeah.You're also in the book."
     We walked along,and couldn't find anyone.Then we washed up on shore.
     It was marvelous.A large,domed city was off in the distance,it's
bright pink showing up nicely against the pupleish hue of the alien sunset.
Me and Zeke thought there might be someone there.
     We walked what was seemingly forever,anly because I couldn't count the
3 miles.
     We finally made it to the front gate of the city,but it was closed.We
knocked. Then a small panel opened up on it,just as I decided I had been
holding my breath long enough.
     "What's da passwoid",a voice with a brooklyn accent asked.
     "I don't know." I said,and that was the truth.I didn't know.
     "Okay,you're in."
     "Really?",I asked,"What was the password?"
     "I don't know."
     "Then why'd you ask."
     "No,I don't know."
     "Well,why don't you just tell me why?"
     "No,the Password is:I don't know"
     Oh goody,a game.
     "Okay Zeke" I told him."What's big and round and purple?"
     "A big grape."
     Geez.I could tell he hadn't played Password lately.
     "Okay then,",I told him,"What's got more stories that any book?"
     "A really big building."
     "Damn.I know! What's one plus one?"
     "I don't know."
     A bell rand,and the blob alien came out from behind the gate.
     "You just won!",He said to us.
     "Really?What'd we win?"I asked.
     "An all expeses paid vacation for two!"
     "Cool.Hmmm,I wonder who I'll take.Any suggestions,Zeke?"
     "Depends,where's it to?"Zeke asked the alien.
     THWACK!I was hit over the head with a frying pan,just as I heard
"Prison".

Chapter 8:Fun in the sun,but we're in jail.

     A large slime guard was dragging us down the hall,to where our jail
cell was.
     "Great."I said."This is the worst time I've ever had."
     "Don't talk yet!"Zeke said.
     "Why?"
     THWUNK!The guard threw us in against the wall.That hurt.Real bad.
     But,I was helped up.Not by Zeke,but by a familiar looking fellow who
liked to do impersonations of famous people that sounded like Rich Little
while wearing underwear filled with mildewed rutabegas on his head while
clog dancing the rhumba.
     But,he was publicly banned from all exploitation of mildewed
rutabegas.So,he was singing a duet of "Swanee River" with a cardboard frog
while tap dancing in green Jell-o with bannanas in it.
     I had to applaud this change.The frog was stunningly magnificent.
     "Thank you very much." He said.
     Wait a second!I knew that voice!Of course!I had to be!Just as I
suspected for all these years!Elvis did not die,but was kidnapped by an
alien named Woody and taken to a donught shop where he slipped on some
donught glaze and hit his head on the counter,whereupon he suffered immense
brain damage,and was inadvertently forced to (let me catch my breath here)
do impersonations of famous people who sounded like Rich Little while
wearing underwear filled with mildewed rutabegas on his head and clog
dancing the rhumba.(gasping for air noises).But,actually,this man had
nothing to do with Elvis,it was my pal from Kindergarten,Biff the Burnout!
     "Biff!"I yelled.I don't know why I didn't reckognize him at first,He's
been doing that stuff since I knew him.Of course,It could have well been
someone else with the exact same habit.
     "What?" He said.
     "Hi!"
     "You too?"
     "No,Hello!"
     "Oh,that.Hi."
     "What are you doing on this alien planet?" I asked,with growing
concern.Had the aliens already taken other Earthlings here?Have any been
killed?
     "Really?I thought I was in L.A.,man.I guess I went up into space,where
I should've gone west!"
     Well,I decided I had to break out of here.But,my twinkies ran out.
     I got an idea.Neat,huh?
     "Hey biff,There must be a Lego room around here somewhere!"
     Biff's eyes dilated.His shirt ripped,because it got caught on a hook,
and his skin turned green.He threw up and it got back to normal.
     "What'd you say?"
     "I said,there must be a Lego room around here somewhere!"
     "Cool.Hey!REALLY?!"
     "Yup."
     So Biff's sudden rush of adrenaline caused him to have a Twinkie
flashback,With an added bonus:Ho-Ho's!
     He ripped the door off the hinges,and we all went to look for the lego
room.
     "Hey you guys!Stop right there!"A guard said.He shot at us,but the
bullets were just deflected right back off Biff.
     All of a sudden,when a really big bullet hit him,he stopped,grabbed
his arm where he had just gotten shot,winced in pain,turned around to face
the creature that shot him,and then winced some more and kept running.
     "Ow.I felt that last one."Biff told us.
     We came down to the end of the hallway.There were two signs(of course
they were written in English).One said "Exit",and the other one said
"Legos".We chose the one that suited our needs for the moment.
     So while we were playing around in the legos,one of the slime
creatures,in uniform,came in.
     "Excuse me,but do you guys happen to be the ones that just escaped?",
He asked us.
     "Yup.",said Zeke,because that's what he says whenever a slime alien
dressed in uniform asks him if he just escaped.
     I wopped Zeke a good one up side the noggin.
     Just when it seemed like all hope was lost for us,and probabbly the
future of my home planet,something strange happened.He DIDN'T kill us.
     "Oh,goody",said the slime dude in uniform,"We need your help."
     I don't wanna go through all that with the "we don't trust you" this
and the "he'll probbably kill us the first chance he gets" and the "leggo
my Eggo,you bastard" crap.So,I'll just say the guy was being honest with
us.
     He explained how he needed our help.It seems that millions of years
ago on the planet we were on,a race of superintellegent pancakes came down
to the planet.They were brilliant scientists from the Egg McMuffin Nebula.
They planted a genetic code in the slime creatures that would make their
race destroy themselves,or to at least make it real easy for the pancakes
to come down in a million years and two days' time and take all the legos.
     Then,if that weren't enough,they put a bomb in the center of the
planet that would make this one and any others in the area explode that day
after that.And to top it off,the bomb had one of those digital counters
that was a real bitch to set,so they knew the pancakes weren't just having
fun,they meant business.
     As we listened to the fascinating tale,Biff fell asleep.When it was
over, we were all forced to gack at the audacity of the pancakes. Really, I
mean,Taking legos that weren't even theirs!We gacked some more.
     "Don't worry!",I said in my real neat super-hero-type-person voice I
had learned from doing Attack of the Killer Fuzzy Dice from planet Zurg,
"WE will save you!For we are the heroes of this story,and that's what we do
to fill otherwise blank pieces of paper!"
     "Okay,sure.Whatever.We just needed some people who would not be
corrupted by the evil effect of the Brain Zapper."He said.
     "Okay.We can do that to."


CHAPTER 9:Some Gratuitous Nudity and Violence,and then on with the story.

     Captain Harry(the slime in uniform;he thought his parents were cruel
to name him that) was kind enough to escort us out of the building,and we
jorneyed off on our merry way
     singing:(Yes,a musical number)
          La dah dahh da dee dahhhhh
          Trah lah loo la looo la layyyyyy
          Trah lah lahhh la bing bang,
          Yes,we're off on our way
     Okay,so it's not much.
     Well,we tried hard to blend into the natural surroundings,which we
would have been successful if the surroundings were Me,Zeke,and
Biff-shaped, but they weren't.So We hoped no one would notice us.
     All of a sudden,a slime creature wearing a pancake emblem came out of
nowhere with a large gun.
     "Bang!BANG!",said the gun.
     "Eek!eek!",said the people passing by.
     "Moo!Moo!",said the cow.
     "Baaa!Baaa!",said the sheep.
     "Oh!Shit!",said Me,Zeke,and Biff.
     He fired a bullet at us,and we were quick enough to dodge behind a
conveniently-placed enemy tank,and the bullet went whizzing by.It blew up a
small restruant called Mel's,and the fragments from the explosion killed
the pancake agent.
     We had to cover his body,because that stupid pancake emblem was all he
was wearing,and little kids might someday read this.
     As we went in search of...Wait a sec!We don't know what the heck we're
doing out here!
     As we went back to the official building thingy we just came out of,
something rather unusual happened.A giant Looney Toons boulder fell on my
head.


CHAPTER 10:This must be a different planet,the hospital food's actually
quite good.


     While in the recovery ward at the alien hospital,I overheard some of
the nurses talking.
     "We Nailed the bastard with the boulder,now he's in room 210.Shall I
poison him now?",one of them said.
     "No,let's wait till tonight.It'll make the story a hell of lot more
dramatic to do it then."
     Wow.I was scared,some poor slob had the unfortunate luck to get hit by
another boulder,and he's in the same room as me!And,tonight,they're gonna
kill him!I was scared.I mean,what if they got the wrong person,and killed
me instead?Hmmmm...I had to find a way to warn this guy.
     "Hey Zeke",I said to Zeke,"Tell the guy next to me that
tonight,someone's gonna try and kill him.
     "Okay."
     Zeke came back a moment later and informed me that I was the only
person in this room.Oh,no!That could only mean one thing!The nurses got the
room number wrong!The incompetent boobs.But the food's not half bad.
     Zeke told me he'd take my place in the bed,while I slept in the other
one,because I needed the rest,and I was chicken.So,I hooked up the little
heatbeat monitor to him,waited for the BEEP BEEP BEEP that said he was
still alive,and went into the other bed.
     I found it difficult to sleep that night,because I was scared for my
life,and for Zeke's,but mostly because of the pesky little 6-inch spikes in
the bed.So I just tossed and turned a lot.
     Later on,Zeke(Mr. Intellegent) was sleeping like a baby(Drooling a
lot).Then,the door to the room opened up slowly,and the sillhouette of a
slime creature was all that was visible in the blinding light surrounding
the figure.I saw the fidure go over torwards Zeke,with a pillow,and when
the figure got close enough,I could see it was the nurse.She held the
pillow in both hands,and suddenly,she brought the pillow down over Zeke's
face,and started to smother him.All of a sudden,something in the look on
her face said she realized what she was doing wasn't right.She immediately
retracted the pillow from Zeke's face,and gawked at what she had almost
done.She stared at the pillow with surprise,and fluffed it some.The look on
her face went back to normal,and she went back the suffocating him.
     I stared in utter fear.What if I wasn't able to stop her and she
managed to kill both of us?What if It brought our plans for saving the
entire universe to a complete halt?But then I wisened up.I
mean,really,now,what would it do,cut off air to his brain!?Think about
it!!!
     But,all of a sudden,the beepy thing that Zeke was on started to slow
down,and the it went into one long Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
     Oh,no,I though,She killed Zeke!That's not very nice!
     I decided to teach her some manners.
     I jumped out of my hospital bed,and slugged her a good one up side the
noggin."Next time",I warned her,"If you're going to kill someone,say
please!".Then I threw her out the window.
     All of a sudden,I head a noise that disturbed me.It sounded like a far
off humming from a motor,or something,and it was getting louder all the
time.Then it stopped,but only for a second,and resumed again,loud as ever.
     Oh,no,I thought.Somewhere in here,there's a bomb,and It's going to
blow me to itty bitty teeny weeny small insignificant bits of my former
self.Or to smithereenees.
     I tried to hear where it was coming from.THE PILLOW! I grabbed it,and
threw it out the window,and ducked behind Zeke's bed.But no use,the sound
was still in here,somewhere.It was still coming from Zeke's bed.
     Zeke was snoring!He was alive!Because,dead people don't snore.But why
was there still that annoying little beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?I followed the
cord from the machine to Zeke,and it turns out that the cord just fell off
his chest when the nurse tried to smother him.
     I woke Zeke up.


CHAPTER 11:No more Food,Folks or Fun

     We left the hospital that night,because the beds were really crappy to
sleep in.The streets at night were a lot like those on Earth.Come to think
of it,everything was.Weird.
     We resumed or journey to the official building-type-thingy that we
were on our way to befire the unfortunate incident with the Looney Tunes
boulder.
     After about four hours of walking,we made our way to it.We went in,and
looked for the guy that told us of our mission.We found him,at his
desk,snoring away.Only something about him was different.
     We woke him up.His eyes were as blood-shot as,well,they were really
blood-shot,take my word for it.
     "What do you want?",He asked us.
     "Do you remember the mission you sent us on?"
     "Yeah."
     "Well,I have a question?"
     "What is it?"
     "That's right,how did you know?"
     "Huh?"
     "WE were going to ask what it was."
     "What what was?"
     "Our mission."
     "Oh.Go find a way into the center of the planet.The bomb also has a
microchip in it that controls the way some specially-bred citizens think."
     "Sure."
     We skipped along on our merry way,and realized the story was starting to
get a little dull.
     That all stopped when something happened.
     "Hi,Biff!",Zeke said,because that's what he says whenever Biff shows
up.
     "You too,man?Cool."
     We told him of our mission.
     "Cool."
     He agreed to help,because he was just that type of guy.
     "Down.",a voice inside my head said.
     What could that mean?I thought.Then it hit me.
     The bottom of the sewer I just fell in.
     It was dark,and it smelled icky.Of course,most sewers do,now,don't
they?But,Zeke and Biff soon joined me,as I could tell by the two shouts of
"Cannonball!" and two really big splashes I felt.
     That was great.My only hope of getting out of the sewer,and they
jumped in because they thought it looked like big fun.
     "All right,man!",Biff said,"I haven't had a bath in years!"
     Well,we decided we were going to have to find our way out of here. We
had to feel our way through the slimy cold darkness,and try not to step on
each other.
     For hours we couldn't navigate through the depths of the sewers.
     "I wish someone had a light."I mumbled.
     "Oh,I do."Biff said.
     Schhwwick!Biff flicked his bic,and then lit his lighter.We still
couldn't see a thing down here.
     "Maybe,"I said,"The laws of physics were drastically altered when we
went below the immediate surface of the alien planet,or maybe the air is to
thick to let any light through..."
     "Or maybe",Zeke butted in,"we could open our eyes."
     It was a miracle!We could see!And,it was quite well lit in there,too!
     We walked along,and tried to find our way back up so we could get to
the center of the planet.Then I realized how stupid I was at the point,and
thought we were going in the right direction.Down!
     I told Zeke and Biff of this,and they nodded in agreement.
     Off to one side,we glimpsed a natural carver going down quite steeply.
We went in through and we saw there was an underground river here.
     "Oh boy!" I said,"Cannonball!"
     Splash!Right into the river.Zeke and Biff soon followed.It was fun,and
we washed off the odor the the sewer.
     Something gave way under us.
     The ground.
     We fell,and fell,and fell,and fell,thought this was dragging on a
little long,so we hit bottom.Then we did something different.We screamed in
intense agony.
     Nothing was broken,due to the lessened gravity this far underground.
None of us in the story were smart enough to figure that out,though.I just
wanted you lucky readers to know.
     We found ourselves in a large,open carvern that was somehow lit by
strange,glowing crystals in the rocks.Behind us,a waterfall was splashing,
because it couldn't think of anything better to do after 5 billion years.
     We decided to explore the cavern,and see if we could make our way into
the strange vastness of the big place that we were in.
     We found our way into another network of tunnels,which led down quite
steeply.
     Off in the distance,I head a strange,inhuman noise,but it souded oddly
farmiliar.We followed the direction of the noise.
     We made our way past several boulders and rocks,not knowing if the
source of the noise was going to send us to our aginizing doom,or if it was
going to take us bowling.Then we saw it.
     Civilization!
     There were little huts,and little people that were the size of
ants.Then we got closer,and they got bigger.They were the size of average
people!
     One of them came up,and spoke to me,in a strange,inhuman language that
boggled the mind to think of it.
     "Parlez-vous francais?",one of them said to me.
     I wanted to run,screaming in terror at the sound,but they didn't kill
us.So I stayed.
     "Huh?"I asked.The figure gasped in amazement.
     "Bonjour."
     "Don't you use that language with me,mister!"
     Then all of a sudden,Zeke spoke up.
     "Bonjour!Je m'appelle Zeke,Il s'appelle Biff,Et Il s'appelle..."
     "Zeke!",I yelled,"Your one of them!"
     "No,",he said,"I learned French in high school."
     Oh,no.Zeke appeared to be turning intellegent on me.
     "Ah,"The creature said to Zeke,"Vous parlez fraincais."
     "Pas de merde!",Zeke said.

Chapter 12:I Meet a Woman(And if you ask me,it's about time!)

     Well,the people undergraound that we met were friendly,and if you want
a laugh,they were human!That's right!Thousands of years ago,people of the
Earth were taken and placed here.And to this day,no one knows why.Well,I
guess I'm gonna have to figure out a neat way to tie this in with the rest
of the story,so I'll make up something(like the rest of this story isn't
made up).
     Well,it seems that the pancakes mentioned a couple of chapters back(I
haven't quite gotten the concept of subtraction,so shut up!) had built the
bomb in the center of the planet so that the hands on the slime creatures
could not manipulate them.But,it turns out that it was perfectly built for
human hands.So,slime creatures came down and kidnapped a couple of french
people.Wouldn't most anyone do that if their planet was doomed?But,I of
course,wouldn't know any of this until later in the story,and I might not
even know then.I just told you this to stop you from reading ahead in the
story.

     Okay,now,on with the story.
     Well,I was in a little hut with a family who thought they were hosting
an exchange student from Outer Swabovia.I couldn't tell them different,I
couldn't!But,Oh well,they didn't kill me,so I stayed.But hey,they filled me
up with eclairs some good!
     "Hey,you!"A voice shouted from behind.It was incredible,it was
amazing,it was...English!!!I turned around,and I saw a female from whom the
voice apparently originated from.That was a good guess,because it was a
female voice,too.
     "You...you...you're...who the hell are you??"I asked with much
puzzlement.
     "I'm the trilingual exchange student from Outer Swabovia."She said.
     "Hey,that's really neat!" I said,trying to sound enthused, which
wasn't hard, because I WAS enthused.(It's kinda hard not to be when you get
all this exitement jam packed into one showrt story like this.)
     "My name is
Ferignksiogneratorhijinkshamandsausagebaconspamwithasideoffries
Thislastnamehasnothingtodowithfoodatall-elephantbottomladlemaker"
     "Sure.I said.I thought I...Wait a sec!".There,I put the second quotes
in.
     "What?"She asked.
     "Oh,nothing,just writing a story.Just get carried away sometimes."
     "What,"I said, being funny,"don't you have a middle name?"
     "Yes,but it's silly."
     "Aw,c'mon.Tell me and you can be in the sequel to this story."
     "Okay,but you have to promise not to print it."
     "I promise."
     "it's...oh,gee this is embarrasing...Lynn."
     She slapped me up side the head."I told you not to print it."
     Wow,I thought.I've never been hit by a woman from another planet who
claimed to be from Outer Swabovia quite like that before!
     "How'd you know?"
     She showed me a copy of The Adventures of Me and Zeke.I hate
that.Everyone in this stinking story gets one but me.
     Well,I thought.I was going to have to get to know her better.She was
fun to talk to,as far as I knew.She spoke my language,she looked great,she
was blond.And I wanted to get to know her mainly because I don't think I
could spell her lengthened name in here too many more times.
     We got to talking.We realized we both had a lot in common.We both came
from Earth,we both had an I.Q.below 50,we were both blond(but that kinda
goes along with the territory now,dosen't it?),we also both really thought
that Rice Chex were living sentient marmasets.

Chapter 14:I'm superstitious, so screw me.

     Well,in the last chapter(chapter 13),I had given away all the secrets
of life, except, of course, for the Crying Game. We talked a lot about how
we could easily acheive inner peace, I got the Nobel peace prize for it
because it was a stroke of genuis, and that's what you do with geniuses,
give `em a big trophy so they'll shut up.
     Okay, if you didn't get much out of the last chapter, I'll just have
to go on with the story.
     I had explained what our mission was to Lynn(That's what I'm gonna
call her from now on.Lynn Elephantbottom-Ladlemaker.). She agreed to help,
even before we asked her to help. She just knew how the story would end
because she has the book.
     We had to think of a way to get to the center of the planet so we
could defuse the bomb and save countless thousands of lives. Well, you
could probabbly count the thousands, but you're not in the book, so neener
neener!
     We had to get some brain food, so we ordered pizza. It would help some
of us think. It would help the rest of us to do a remarkable simulation.
     Well, the pizza guy lived up to his promise-`thirty minutes or less or
you start to get impatient'.
     "Hey,sorry I'm late,"said the pizza guy,"But,hey,you know,that's the
way it is."
     We didn't like the pizza guy's dialogue in this story, so we got rid
of him.
     First the pizza came to $18.95, and we gave him a twenty, and we
tipped him. And man, oh man, was that ever fun. We looked down into the
center of the planet where he had fallen as a result of our tipping him
over the edge of a really nasty cliff.
     We felt good, but we were missing something. Something painfully
obvious that would help us in our quest to get to the center of the
planet. We sat around, thinking about possible ways we could find a way to
get to the center of the planet, all the while, subconsciously obsessed
with the notion that we missed something about the pizza guy we pushed into
the center of the planet. That, plus the obvious, is what was hindering our
thinking processes so as to keep us from thinking of a way we could get
into the center of the planet.
     "I've got it!" Exclaimed Lynn. She also shouted it pretty darn loud.
     "Got what? A cold? Har,har,har." Said Biff.
     "No!What we were missing about the pizza guy!"
     "What is it?" the rest of us said in unison.
     "He never gave us our change!"
     That was drastic. We had to find a way to get to him really quickly.
So,we found a staircase that had a sign above it saying"Center of the
planet-Down" and we took those very stairs. We saw the pizza guy writhing
in extreme pain, because what else was he going to do? we had just pushed
him over a cliff. We rushed torward him, got our money, and I hid my head
on a large explosive device planted near the center of the planet. Then we
rushed back up the stairs to our thinking spot so we could try to figure
out how to get to the center of the planet. We pondered it for a while,
then we decided on a brilliant method. We'd blindfold ourselves.
     Think about it. We had no idea where the center of the planet was, and
when you're blindfolded, you have no idea where the hell you're going. We
should find it quickly.
     We all blindfolded ourselves, we tumbled down a staircase we never
noticed before, and we still didn't notice it, because if we did, we
wouldn't have fallen down it,now would we?
     I could feel the exitement in my veins. I knew we were at the center
of the planet,so I took my blindfold off so I could show everyone where to
go. You know, sort of a "Blond leading the blind" thing. I found the
explosive device, and it had ceased to funtion. My guess was that it was
broke.Probabbly had something to do with the large dent that was roughly
shaped exactly like my head.
     So, with nothing left to do that day, Me,Zeke,Biff, and Lynn went back
to Earth so we could go back in time and do a really cool pirate sequel to
this story.

Chapter 15: A rap-up
     (background vocals:boom-chicka-boom.Repeat till you're done)

     This story's quite over as you can plainly see;

     Don't forget we got a sequel,Zeke and Me;

     With Biff and Lynn,too, we're a groovy bunch;

     I think you'll like our sequel,it's just a hunch;

     The space story's over, no more aliens die;

     So you can now look

     Up from this book;

     And you can rub your aching eyes.

     They sure must be hurtin',blood shot and orange;

     Damn!Why the heck did I have to use "orange"?!It doesn't rhyme with
anything!Oh, well, Maybe I'll do better at the end of the pirate story. And
Zeke,Biff,and Lynn, you can stop going "boom-chicka-boom". We're done.
     Thank you.




             COMING TOO SOON FOR YOU TO HANDLE:OUR SEQUEL
Sometimes I write

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Tales From a 15-year-old Ben.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Fifty Shades of Porn

Scene 1

Scene 2
